20 LEGEND

Gutted. Absolutely gutted. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer has announced his retirement from football. Devastating news. What an outstanding professional. From his glorious moment in the final of the 1999 European Cup to a windy night at the City Ground where he banged in 4 in about 15 minutes, he was an absolute legend. He scored his first and last goals for United at Old Trafford against Blackburn Rovers, 11 years apart. He'll be missed. No doubt about that. All of a sudden, United look very, very thin on strikers. Anelka anyone? Even though he's an absolute cunt.

The Referee's a Wanker!

The FA should be ashamed of themselves after the fiasco that was Sunday's Premier League game between Liverpool and Chelsea. They have come out publically and said that Rob Styles had made a mistake in awarding Chelsea a penalty, so they took "appropriate action" and demoted him to refereeing Championship games for a while. Why? Who cares where Rob Styles is working next weekend? Not Liverpool fans anyway. How can they look at themselves and think 'yeah, we've evened things up for Liverpool now and justice has been done by punishing Rob Styles. A MISTAKE WAS MADE, why not rectify it there and then so that the result of the match in question is as it should be and not tainted by dodgy refereeing ecisions which can be eradicated in a matter of seconds with a video ref. It baffles me that UEFA or FIFA or whoever it is that needs to make the big decision doesn't take a leaf out of Rugby's book. It clearly works!! No mistakes, or very few, are made in Rugby matches. Yet, constantly, there is controversy in football matches, and it's so fucking unneccesary. This argument is raised every time something like this happens, every time, but then it always gets forgotten about the next week. Somebody needs to take this game by the scruff of the neck and drag it kicking and screaming in to the 21st century, because the state of the game now is laughable in comparison to rugby, cricket, tennis, nearly every other fucking sport uses a replay aspect. Fuck tradition. I'd prefer correct decisions myself.

Man United are ruining my life

So much hope. So much expectation. So much glory beckoning. So much trash talk down the pub......and then Whammo! Half a week in to the season United are 4 points behind Chelsea already. I can't take it. Is it just going to be a repeat of the 2005/06 season? Chasing Chelsea ALL season. Come on Liverpool, do a job for us tomorrow, keep the rest of us sane, please beat Chelsea! Please!

Emotions United

Jesus. I decided this season, to completely invest all of my emotions in the Premier League season. This gesture was returned with the Premier League crushing my emotions. I can't believe United are out of the title race already. They're playing catch up already. It's devastating. Absolutely crushing. And now Rooney's foot has exploded again it's not looking good. Tevez has a huge responsibilty now. Massive. I pray that he will be able to do a job, hopefully starting on Wednesday at Portsmouth. United can have all the talent in midfield that they want but for the love of God, why didn't anybody realise that we've no bleedin' strikers. Mabe I'm panicking a bit, Saha and Solskjaer are due back in action next week, Tevez is raring to go. It might be all peachy come this time next week after the Manchester Derby, but then again it could be an absolute nightmare. My God, it's only three days in to the new season and I already feel like I've had a stroke. Bring on Portsmouth!!!!!

I Hate Tiger Woods

He's a whingy prick. It annoys me so much the way professional golfers tip toe around greens as if they might cave from under them like a thin sheet of ice and then if they miss a putt they fuck their putters across the green like a tantrumatic toddler. Wankers. Especially Tiger Woods. Did you see him at the PGA yesterday? I'm delighted he missed that putt.

And despite Stevie G giving them the victory today it's bad news for Liverpool fans. No manager has ever won the top english league while sporting a beard. So 'Pool fans would want to hope that Benitez gets rid of that shmig fairly sharpish.

Premiership Eve

On the eve of the premiership I'm gonna make some predictions for the coming season. I can't fuckin wait for the football to start tomorrow.

Title winner: Man Utd - I can't see Chelsea dislodging them from the top of English football this season. They've bought some incredibly exciting players and bolstered the defensive midfield side of things. The only thing they should be concerned about is an ageing goalkeeper, but he should be quality enough for one more season at the top.

Relegated: Derby, Reading, Man City- I talked about Reading and Man City in a previous post and I think they'll go down for very contrasting reasons, and Derby, on paper, are shite. They're odds on to go straight back down.

Best buy: Florent Malouda - Not much of a fuss was made when Mourinho signed this guy but he is top quality. He's shown that in the French side for the last few years. Attacking and defending down the left side, he'll play a huge role for Chelsea this season.

Biggest flop: Fernando Torres - A lot of fuss was made when Benitez signed this guy and I just don't think he's gonna deliver. Liverpool fans seem to think he's going to propel them in to a champion's league race. I just can't see it happening with a midfield behind him containing Zenden and Pennant. He will struggle to adapt to the pace like Morientes did. He'll be gone back to Spain in 2 years.

Player of Year: Robin van Persie - I really feel he's going to step up to the plate after Henry's departure and assume the position. He has the talent, he just needs to keep his temper in check and he'll be in for an outstanding season.

Goalscorer: Michael Owen - As I've said before, there is no doubt about Owen's goalscoring credentials. He's had a full pre-season now to get in to ship shape and hopefully he'll stay injury free and bang in 20+ goals this season. He better, I've got money on him.

Dark Horse: West Ham United - I reckon last season was a freak for West Ham and they should never have ended up in the relegation trouble they were in. They have quality all over the pitch and even with the impending departure of Carlos Tevez I think West Ham will be in the top half and even give a push for a spot in the UEFA Cup.

Carragher's Quitting Decision

I don't like Jamie Carragher's attitude towards quitting the England international setup. On one hand I can understand his frustrations. It seems he was just born in the wrong era, having matured along side the likes of Ferdinand, Terry, King, Woodgate, Campbell etc. England have had a plethora of options at centre back over the last few years. However, and I am no exception to this, millions would chop off their penis (well maybe not your penis, a bollock maybe), to get a few minutes on the pitch playing football for their country. Even being part of the International setup is worth sacrificing a couple of fingers. I don't know why he can't just suck it up and do his job for his country which it turns out is as a backup utility defender. Shut up Jamie, and try and force a smile while you live out every schoolboy's dream, you spoiled little bollicks.

Neil Warnock is a ****

How appropriate. Neil Warnock is an anagram of Colin Wanker.

More from Pat Crerand

Is there no end to his flailing moronic comments? I watched a programme on MUTV the other day called "How the Title Was Won", which was a review of United's season last year. It came to the end and pictures of Gary Neville and Ryan Giggs lifting the Premiership trophy, cue Crerand. "It's a nice gesture that Sir Alex let two of the older squad members lift the trophy, you'd wonder why he didn't let the likes of Scholes and Solskjaer up there to lift it with them". No Pat, No. Would it not dawn on you that the person lifting the trophy, as is customary, might be the team captain? But why is there two of them up there Pat? Perhaps the other bloke lifting the trophy is the vice-captain? It's worth a moment to reflect on Pat, don't you think? You idiot.

Jose, you can't be serious!

So United beat Chelsea on penalties last Sunday to win the Community Shield. After the game Mourinho was interviewed and said he was happy with his team's display because "with a squad at 50% of it's powers, we didn't just control the game for 10 minutes or 20 minutes but we controlled the game for 90 minutes against a team at 100% of it's powers".

Is everyone else not sick of comments like this from Mr. Mourinho. Nobody is going to feel sorry for him with all his injury problems. He's always boasting about his squads strength in depth and with the amount of money they've thrown around in the last 4 years who's going to feel sorry for them if they have a few injuries? Not me anyway. He seems to be laying down the foundations already for excuses for his teams failings in the future. As for the "controlled the game for 90 minutes comment" he was obviously watching through his blue-tinted glasses again. Chelsea looked poor. Get over yourself Mourinho. I hate him, I really really hate him.

Random Fact: In the last 5 years, Paul Scholes has scored more goals (6) at St. James's Park than Kieron Dyer (5).

Wee Gamble

If you fancy a wee gamble before the new premiership starts, I'm gonna stick my reputation on the line and make a few recommendations.

Firstly, two teams I think will get relegated are Reading and Man City. Firstly Reading, Coppell has come out and said that he hasn't been too active in the transfer market because he feels that would be unfair on the lads who had done so well for him last season. This is an admirable and deeply loyal stance to take, but it could prove disasterous. It has been said on numerous occasions that if you stand still in the Premier League, you're going backwards. Reading over-acheived last season and I think it will be too much for them this year. Man City on the other hand are in the opposite situation, Sven has gone bananas making summer signings and they are all second-rate foreign players that he doesn't seem to know much about himself. I think this is a bad idea. They will struggle to gel and the team will pay the price for lack of British players.

Reading and Man City are both 5/1 for the drop with Paddy Power.

Also, I think a couple of good bets for the Premier League's top scorer are Robin van Persie and Michael Owen. Arsenal are going to be relying Van Persie heavily for goals next season after Henry's departure. I don't really like him as a player, but I think he has what it takes to step up and deliver for Arsenal. He's looked good in pre-season so far and scored a fantastic goal against Inter in the Emirates Cup last week. Michael Owen is back from injury and has said himself that he feels as if he's been physically reborn after months out with injury. He will always score goals, and if he strikes up a good partnership with Mark Viduka he could do very well indeed.

Robin van Persie and Michael Owen are both 14/1 to be top scorer with Paddy Power.

Paddy the Plank

Having watched the Man United versus Inter game on MUTV last night I've come to the conclusion that Paddy Crerand is a certifiable plank. Two events led me to this conclusion.

Event the first, David Suazo's first goal, which at first, admittedly, did look offside. The replay however showed that the ball struck Vidic before landing at Suazo's feet. A fact that the commentator pointed out to Paddy. Paddy, however, couldn't understand this and insisted that the goal was offside. He clearly doesn't understand the offside rule.

Event the second, was a header back to the goalkeeper from Santiago Solari. Solari headed the ball towards the direction of his own penalty box, the player didn't really seem to know where the ball was when he headed it or after he headed it, the ball was subsequently picked up by the Inter goalie. The commentator said at the time "Solari didn't seem to know a lot about that header back to the keeper". Paddy, sharp as a tack, then said, "Yeah, I think you're right, that's why the ref hasn't called that up for a back pass". Back pass Paddy? Are you serious? He headed it for the love of God. It doesn't matter if it was on purpose or by accident you plank.

So, in conclusion, even though Pat Crerand is a Manchester United legend, having actually won the European Cup and has now been a football pundit for donkeys years, he doesn't know the rules of football, and is in fact, a moron.

Random Fact: When Owen Hargreaves made his debut for England, he was the first player ever to play for England having never lived or played club football in England.

Personality? What Personality?

Jesus, what is it about England cricket captains? Mike Atherton, Nasser Hussein, Michael Vaughan. Ther isn't an ounce of personality between them and my God, would Vaughan ever prune that duck's arse he's been cultivating at the back of his head.

Heard today on Sky Sports News that Joe Cole has "warned Man United that Chelsea are in top form". This headline was misleading to say the least. Upon actually viewing Joe Cole's interview it became apparent that what he actually said was "We have plenty of injuries at the moment, so we haven't been scoring as freely as we'd like so far in pre-season but we hope to be in top-form come Sunday". Hmmm, that headline is borderline on being the opposite of what Joe Cole actually said.

Random Fact: Fernando Hierro is the oldest player to ever make his debut in the Premiership.